To live and die without knowing myself is analogous to dieing without having lived. I seek to know, then to live and save the dieing until last. Whatever the truth is I seek it discover it, then to embrace it with help should I need it, then to live that truth not ashamed or embarrassed, then to move onward towards the twilight of my life whatever the peril, then to pass away naturally and content in my own skin. Is this just another of my hallucinations, well if so, I say its one that I like.
Today I have an appointment with my psychiatrist Dr. B. to review my progress over the previous week to see how I am doing with my sleep, delusions, and hallucinations. Last week Dr. B. increased my dose of Seroquel to 200mg at night and 50 mg in the morning to see if this may help me. First, maybe it would help me to get some sleep and secondly to see if this would help with my delusions and/or hallucinations. Well my sleep is still as unsettling as ever. Last night was a prime example; I went to bed at 12:30 or so my usual bedtime and laid there for 20 minutes trying to think of some positive thoughts before I went to sleep. It was suggested to me that I use this approach prior to going to sleep to see if I could communicate some positive thoughts to my unconscious mind and thus maybe reduce the nightmares that plague me. I have been trying to use this technique to bring some pleasant dreams into the fold. I thought about what a wonderful time I had last weekend with my grandchildren. I was thinking about how beautiful the four of them were and how much they can make me smile at the worst of times. They are like a priceless gem in my eyes.
All I can seem to dream about is mayhem and destruction encompassing all that has gone wrong in my life both past and present tenses. For instance, I have nightmares of such things as when I was raped at thirteen by a reddish haired slightly overweight monster (man), and a second attempted rape by a dark-haired beast that happened a few years later. Somehow, they both end up in my dream last night as they do many nights, too many nights actually. Last night for instance we/they were both at the scene of the first rape and were taking turns with me and then they were discussing if they should kill me or just cut out my tongue so I couldn’t talk to the police. They stood there arguing amongst themselves what they should do with me. The reddish haired one says something about well we could leave him where Mrs. K. was found. Actually, a grandmother who was murdered lived only a few doors away from me with her son and his family around the time of the rape. She was a wonderful woman who was so kind to all of us kids who lived in that area. She was found bludgeoned to death at a block factory not far from where I lived and I don’t think that case was ever solved. I remember that when I was younger, I thought maybe this monster was the one who had killed Mrs. K. Now I have not thought about that wonderful grandmother in I don’t know how long, but she was in my dream last night, well at least in name. I cannot go a single night of sleeping without being haunted by some kind of nightmare.
I must have awoken fifteen to twenty times last night. Then there are those train whistles, blowing in the middle of the night that wake me from my sleep, which obviously is not a very sound sleep I would say. I don’t even live anywhere close to a railway crossing so the only reason for the train whistles blowing in the middle of the night is either that a person or animal is on or near the train tracks. So in the middle of the night I start having a panic attacks from train whistles.
My other reason to see Dr. B. today is to assess me about this “Rhythm” feeling that I live with on a continual basis. Last week I almost felt that someone (Dr. B.) might have some conception of what I describe and refer to as my “Rhythm”. Maybe it is a delusion and/or hallucination I have had at various times throughout my life that started at age seven. Now I have it continually; it has become the essence of my life and being. I have these thoughts that no one can truly understand what it is that I am really feeling. I have explained this in so many ways, trying to put words to it seems impossible at times and frustrating to the max. I don’t know how many different ways to try to get someone to understand it. It doesn’t seem to matter how I state it, I can’t seem to explain to anyone the sensations and haunting feelings that I have. Did I say no one understands my “Rhythm” yet? (LOL laughter is needed at times and this is one of them). I do get suicidal at times thinking that this is the only way to be completely rid of these dreadful feelings. I think sometimes “Please don’t despair; I am not alone out here for there are others like myself”. True or False! Some days are definitely harder to bear than others and I wonder how do I go on, why do I have to feel like this for another day and that goes on in a continuous pattern from one day to the next with no relief. I do feel completely isolated too; no matter what I do, it doesn’t make much of a difference or make my “Rhythm” feelings completely go away. It plagues me all of my waking existence and I find that I am in a constant battle to not loose my sanity altogether. I think I have lost enough already or maybe I need to loose a little more. I suffer delusions/hallucinations at least I am starting to think that’s what it is however it just seems so real what is happening to me and I feel like there is nothing I can do to stop it. I wonder now if I have some underlying schizophrenic tendencies and my doctor is going to do some further investigation in that regard. Whatever is wrong, I have to somehow learn to live with all of these feelings. I think that all that keeps me going is knowing that I will find some relief somewhere; somehow, sometime, but I just haven’t found all the answers yet. I have to keep fighting. I do find some calming effects I learned from the doctors like mediation, hypnosis, and prayers. It doesn’t take it away but kind of allows me to somewhat focus away from the most intense of these “Rhythm” feelings. I keep praying for answers and strength to get through whatever it is I must face.
John(PoetMan)