Dear Yahweh in whose name I pray. I am at the mercy of your loving hands. You are my strength and salvation when I am weak. I pray that you will give me strength to endure whatever is set before me. Whether it be pleasant or insufferable and I may not always understand why things are as foreboding as they are at times. I know that Yahweh does understand. I ask Yahweh to give me the understanding that I so desire although in reality there may never be answer. I pray that Yahweh will give me strength and guide me through my many afflictions associated with my mental illness. I am very grateful for the doctors and health care workers that are helping me to deal my mental illness. As I go through my life I continue to seek an understanding of what my life is to be God. It is said that Yahweh has a plan for all of us. This means that parts Yahweh’s plans for me were to be married twice and live in another relationship for seven and a-half years and that I would father four children. Why? Then near the end of my last relationship I should end up hospitalized and in treatment for mental illness. Why? Was this the path that Yahweh intended for me? I believe in Yahweh, therefore I have to answer yes to this question and that this is the path that Yahweh has intended for me. I may be completely baffled by the path of my life. I pray that Yahweh shall shed some light on this path and if I am never enlightened then I must accept this, as the way Yahweh wishes it to be. Thank you for giving me this day lord. I prey that you will watch over my children and grandchildren. Give my children strength to go through these troubling times in their lives. My Son has just returned his children to their mother after having them for the summer and so he is having a difficult time. He is also trying to quit smoking. My Daughter was sexually assaulted and raped a couple of weeks ago and his having an extremely difficult time right now. Yahweh I prey that you would give my children courage and strength at this time of need. Yahweh forgive my sins and have mercy on my soul. Amen
John (PoetMan)
“Moments of Quiet Desperation”
Just another moment of quiet desperation as I live inside the continual bombardment that persistently haunts me through every moment of my despondent existence. No prescription drug that I have yet been exposed to or illicit drug (street) for that matter has yet to have any effect whatsoever on the “Rhythm” that is the continuum of my inner and outer self. There is a continuous series of rhythms that blend my inner soul and outer self with the rhythm of all that is around me in the world. Why have the voices of all the creatures great and small morphed; the songs of birds, the voices of mankind, and the voices of all creatures? Where have they all disappeared? It is as if each and every sound that reaches my ears from the world that surrounds me, has transformed gradually, indisputably, and flawlessly so that it is impossible to say where one harmonious beat ends and becomes melded to the next Rhythm that has now become my life. I no longer can distinguish between the song of a sparrow and a robin for they have joined in the repetitive and rhythmic motion that that I have now permanently become. There is no escaping from it, nowhere to run from it, nowhere to hide from it, there is no sanctuary from it, and no asylum can hold it; there is only the inundation and deluge of the “Rhythm” that haunts me. I have undergone a complete and comprehensive metamorphosis since first being haunted as a young child by this affliction. Only now, it has encompassed that which remained previously untouched; the differences that were the natural rhythm and sounds of life around me, the cries of a newborn child, the operas of Mozart, the whispering of the trees as the train passes, and with all that seemed so commonplace; it has all been lost. It has all vanished right before my eyes; it was as if none of those songs and sounds had ever previously existed. I have yet to get any relief from any of the many therapies that I have tried. No Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), no Group Psychotherapy, no Dialectal Behavior Therapy (DBT), Psychoanalytic Therapy, no Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) therapy, or no Hypnosis has been able to end My Moments of Quiet Desperation, which is how I now live My Profoundly Rhythmic Life….My Profoundly Rhythmic Life…..My Profoundly Rhythmic Life!……My Profoundly Rhythmic Life!……My Profoundly Rhythmic Life!……My Profoundly Rhythmic Life!!!!!…..My Profoundly Rhythmic Life!!!…..My Profoundly Rhythmic Life!!!…..My Profoundly Rhythmic Life!!!…..My Profoundly Rhythmic Life!!!!!….. My Profoundly Rhythmic Life!!!!!….. My Profoundly Rhythmic Life!!!!!!!!!………. My Profoundly Rhythmic Life….My Profoundly Rhythmic Life…..My Profoundly Rhythmic Life!……My Profoundly Rhythmic Life!……My Profoundly Rhythmic Life!……My Profoundly Rhythmic Life!!!…..My Profoundly Rhythmic Life!!!…..My Profoundly Rhythmic Life!!!…..My Profoundly Rhythmic Life!!!!!….. My Profoundly Rhythmic Life!!!….My Profoundly Rhythmic Life!!!!!…..My Profoundly Rhythmic Life!!!!!!!!!……….
What Bravado for the Maestros’ Solo!
Today I have added another of my poems titled “Dreams and Visions (see right side) and also a prayer page (My Prayer For Healing) that I use quite frequently when I pray. I do not understand my mental illness, why I have it, or where I shall end up however I keep praying that I will get to a point where I can recover sufficiently enough that I can return to work. At this point I do not know when it will be and my doctors say for me not to worry about it right now and that the my main focus needs to be on continuing with my therapy. I go to group therapy once a week, see a psychologist once a week for EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) treatment, see a psychiatrist once a week, and then see another psychologist once every two weeks. I also have a pinched nerve in my back that is also causing its own problems for me. I do find that reading the Bible and praying are helpful in a unique way. You can pray in silence or in a loud voice anyway that you like, whatever works for you. I think no matter what your religious beliefs; many if not most people do have a higher power of their own choosing and I would be the last to condemn anyone else’s beliefs. I do pray for other people in my life; be it family, friends, doctors, nurses, patients, or people in this forum if I see a need.
John (PoetMan)