John’s Syndrome–(PoetMan)

A LIST OF PHONE NUMBERS FOR THOSE IN A CRISIS.  I think about suicide quite a bit, actually a lot of the time.  I have made failed attempts in the past.  I have had a lot of therapy surrounding this topic as is the case at the moment.  I call the emergency lines when I get a strong feeling to do something.  I have planned my own demise many a time in the past, written suicide letters.  It is not something that I am proud of but something that I can’t seem to control, it comes from somewhere deep within me that wants to come out with a vengeance.  At times, these feelings are very frightening yet somehow rational to another part of me.  It feels like its not really me who is acting on the suicidal tendencies but the other person who dwells within me, my opposite twin, someone who has their own identity and power and will that I can not control.  At least now, I will call my doc or call the help line.  I also have the option of going to the hospital to be placed as an in-patient.  I wish that I had more control!!!!  I don’t pretend to know what happens to me but something inside of me seems to be so spontaneous!!!  Then I am off on another tangent planning, scheming something, it just seems so dammed uncontrollable.  As a matter of fact, I am waiting right now for the crisis centre to call me back.  I guess they are having a busy night.  It’s like calling 911 and getting  put on hold!!  Not good.  I don’t know what to do except wait and try to think rationally “I’ll be okay, I’ll be okay, I’ll be okay, settle down John!!!”  I keep telling the part of me that is somewhat sane that I can get through it.  I may get admitted to the hospital again if these feelings gets much worse and that is always an option that I can’t ignore!  Sometimes the medication just doesn’t do the job or at least that is what I think.  Sometimes reading the bible and praying helps yet at other times it is useless.  God can be cruel and pitiless or at times kind and gentle, it is his choice not mine, while I am left to live with the consequences.  The mind can play some awful games with your psyche ripping and tearing a person to shreds, igniting thoughts that you never realized were even possible.  I think, “Where to hell did that crazy, vicious inhumane thought come from?”  I keep fighting to stay well, to stay alive to live another day, hoping it will get better sooner or later.  I call my life “The Age of Depression” as I have fought with depression for as long as I have memories.  The last few years have been some of the most intense times in my life for whatever reason.  At times, I just seem to be on this rollercoaster ride, cycling up and down with no end in site.  But the highs are uncomfortable and frightening and uncontrollable yet a split second later I can feel trapped down in the deepest, darkest most frightening hole one could imagine.  I don’t have any control or the power to stop what is happening to me.  The only thing I find that I can do is to try to follow my doctors’ advice, keep going to therapy, keep taking my medications, keep calling the crisis line when I feel it is necessary, and try to keep my sanity to the best of my ability. 

          The second encounter with the apparition took place in the woods that were behind the home where I lived.  Some of my friends and I had constructed a tree fort from pieces of scrap wood that we had either been given or managed to scrounge.  The fort was about fifteen feet off the ground.  Access to the fort was gained by means of ascending a ladder that was nailed to the tree trunk.  The ladder went up through a hole in the floor of the fort.  There was enough room for six or seven of us to sit around on the floor.  It was impossible to stand up straight in the fort as the ceiling was to low.  You could stand about three quarters of the way up.  We would gather there and spend time talking of different things.  We would plan what we were going to do that day.  We talked of building another fort but only bigger the next time.  We planned when to meet there again.          

          On this particular day, I decided to head to the fort when I went outside.  It wasn’t to meet anyone in particular but just to see if anyone was there.  You could show up there and you may or may not find any of your friends there.  I recall going out the back door that day and walking the 300 feet or so to the edge of the woods.           

          I had only gone maybe eighty to one hundred feet into the woods at which point I noticed that I was becoming light headed.  At the same time, I suddenly noticed that the light had changed and it was if I had entered a light misty fog.  I paused there and leaned against a nearby tree.  I was trying to discern what was happening to me, what was going on?  I stood there against the tree for a minute or two thinking to my self, “This feeling is going to go away soon.  What is going on?”  I proceeded to close my eyes thinking that if I kept my eyes closed for a while that when I opened them the fog would be gone and everything would be clear again.  Then, I slumped to the ground and sat against the tree trunk.  After I sat there for a couple of minutes I noticed that that I beginning to feel a tingling numbness permeate through my entire body.  I’m not sure exactly how long I sat there, maybe for ten or fifteen minutes.  As I sat there, I began to feel frightened of what was happening to me!  What was happening to me?  Why was this happening to me?  Was I going mad?  I could not understand any of it.  Next, I began to feel and hear the rhythmic pattern but, very softly at first. 

          Gradually the Rhythm became more intense, the fog seemed heavier, and the light seemed to have dimmed in some way.  My head felt full, like when you have a bad head cold and your eyes are puffy and your nose is plugged up solid. 

          At this point, I decided that I would try to get up off the ground.  Maybe if I moved away from that spot that would somehow change things.  Maybe when I stood up and opened my eyes the hazy fog might be gone.  Such was not the case as when I open my eyes the hazy fog had become denser.   The Rhythm was actually increasing in volume and intensity.  It felt as if my body was now pulsating to the constant drone of the RM.  I became more terrified and frightened of the feelings that I was having.  I was at a loss as what to do.  I had it on my mind that I needed to get to the tree fort.  Maybe someone would be there or maybe I would be safe if I was able to get up into the tree fort. 

           Then I started to remember the first encounter with the entity (ghost, evil, angel of the devil), so I began to wonder if He was around somewhere.  I started to walk in the direction of the tree fort; all the while, I kept looking around for something or someone to suddenly appear out of the woods.  Every fifty or sixty feet I would stop and lean against a different tree and have a good long look around.  I repeated this process a few more times.  Then, as I began to move the next time, I heard this deep booming voice calling my name, “Bradley, Bradley”.  As I looked around, I saw His figure approximately fifteen feet away from me.  I screamed out “Leave me alone!  Leave me Alone!  What do you want from me?” 

          At this point, I began to run, to try to escape from Him.  The intensity of the Rhythm was still increasing as I struggled to run through the woods as fast as I could go.  Shorty after I started to run, maybe a minute or two later the Rhythm reached a crescendo as it did in the first encounter.  I was completely terrified.  How could I escape from Him?  What should I do?  However, all I could think to do was to try to run away from Him, to somewhere safe.  As I ran along the trodden path, I never looked behind me, I was afraid I would see Him following me.  I didn’t want to see him again. 

           As I was running, I noticed that it seemed as if my running was exactly to the beat of the Rhythm.  It swarmed in my head and pulsated throughout my body.  Everything that I was seeing seemed to be clouded and hazy like the morning fog that rises above the lake on a cool fall day.  After I had run for a couple of more minutes, I saw him again, this time standing beside a tree about fifteen feet in front of me.  How could this be I wondered.  I thought that He was behind me but there He was, standing ahead of me.  I stopped frozen in my tracks.  I clung to a nearby tree.  Now He began to speak to me, “You can’t run away!  You belong to Me!  There is nowhere that you can hide from Me!  I began crying and yelling, “Leave me alone! Leave me alone!  Go away!  What do you want from me?”  He replied in that deep rhythmic voice, “I want you!  I want you!  You belong to me now.”I felt completely alone and lost. 

          I had no idea why this was happening to me.  Then I bolted and began to run again to try to escape from this nightmare.  I turned away from Him and headed of in a different direction, heading anywhere, somewhere to be free of theses sounds and feelings that I was experiencing, somewhere away from that booming rhythmic voice.  Crying as I ran I would periodically glance over my shoulder to see if I had lost Him, to decide if I could quit running.  I was in state of panic and terror.  After a few more shoulder glances and no more site of Him for the moment, I decided to stop.  I sat down and leaned up against a tree.  I was still crying.  I stayed there sitting with my eyes closed and had placed my hands over my ears trying to block out the droning sound of the Rhythm.  This turned out to be a useless endeavor.  One consolation of having my eyes shut was that I could only see darkness and not that hazy for that seemed to surround and engulf me.  My head and body were filled with that pounding rhythmic beat.

          Suddenly, I heard that booming voice one more time calling, “You belong to me!  You belong to me!  At this point, I opened my eyes again only to see Him standing just a few feet away from me with His arm out stretched and pointing at me.  As I went to get up, I grabbed a piece of a tree branch that was lying there and began to swing the branch wildly at the tree in front of me.  All the while, I was crying and screaming repeatedly, “What do You want from me?  Leave me alone! Leave me alone!  To this he replied, “I’m waiting for you!  You belong to Me!” 

          At this time, I dropped the branch and started to run wildly through the woods; anywhere that I could get away from Him.  After a few minutes more, I found myself at the base of the tree fort.  I don’t recall heading in that direction but somehow ended up there.  I climbed up the tree and into the fort.  I lie down on the floor of the fort, on my stomach and put my head into my folded arms.  I continued to cry.  I wondered how long it would be before He appeared again to torment me.  A couple of times while laying there I cried out, “Please stop!  Please stop!” referring to the Rhythm.  After fifteen or twenty minutes went by, I noticed that the Rhythm had begun to decrease in intensity.  At the time, I sat up and opened my eyes.  I was aware that the hazy fog was gone.  After another ten minutes or so, I started to feel normal again.I was still very frightened.  I thought that he might yet appear again.  I wasn’t sure what to think.  I wasn’t sure if he were a ghost, an apparition, a hallucination, or just what He was exactly.  Why was this happening to me?  He seemed real enough to me as I could see and hear Him.  I remained there in the fort for an hour or so before a couple of my friends came along.  I debated whether to tell them what happened, but I decided not to say anything to them, as I didn’t think that they were not likely to believe me.        

{{©November 05, 2009 AD, J. D. B. Hamilton}}

The first incident of the Rhythm is still very vivid in my memory.  When I woke up that day, the first thing I noticed was a very strange sensation throughout my body but I continued to get ready and eventually left for school.  I didn’t know what I was feeling but it was definitely something very new to me, something I had never felt before.  When I went outside that morning, I remember that the sun felt warm and that it was shining brightly.  I was going between walking and jogging to the end of the road where I had to turn left to head towards the school I was attending. 

After jogging along the next one hundred yards or so I felt as if something was happening to me that I had never experienced before.  First, I noticed there was a change in the lighting around me and everything seemed to become dimmer as if the sun had gone behind a very dark band of clouds.  Then it seemed as if everything around me began to take on a very distinct Rhythm that was repeating itself over and over and over, continuing to increase in volume and intensity.  Everything that I could hear and feel was moving to a continual repeating Rhythm.  My whole body became a component of the Rhythm and as I moved along the sidewalk a few more feet, the Rhythm reached a crescendo and I became paralyzed in the Rhythm.  I was unable to move any further although it felt as if my body was pulsating to this strange powerful Rhythm.  I had no idea what was happening to me.  I remember thinking that I was going to die or maybe that I was going mad. 

Then, I heard this distinct deep voice speaking to me from behind the fence.  Subsequently, I saw this figure of a man there, standing maybe eight or ten feet behind the chain link fence.  He was a quite tall, maybe six foot six, with very broad shoulders and large hands; a distinctive figure with long black hair that fell just over his shoulders.  His eyes were extremely piercing and dark, almost black and it was as if his evil gaze was staring, piercing directly through me.  The flesh of his hands and face that were visible were a grayish opaque color.  His face was slightly long with a square cut jaw line and a slightly long pointed nose.  He looked maybe thirty-five or forty but somehow ageless at the same time.  His attire from head to foot was completely black.  He was wearing these high-cut square-toed boots, and a long hooded cloak fastened in the front, which coved his body and fell down to the top of his boots. 

This apparition, man, spirit, whatever he was that I was seeing in front of me, was as real to me as the sun that rose and set every day in the sky.  He had form and shape that was visible to me and he spoke words to me that I could hear and understand.  When he was uttering words to me, I could see that his lips moved while his arms, hands, and body moved in time to the beat of the Rhythm.  His deep voice was also in time with the Rhythm.

He spoke words to me that have stayed with me my entire life.  As I leaned against the chain link fence crying, sobbing, and trembling in panic and fear he said to me “You belong to me now, forever.  I shall always be a part of your existence for as long as you continue to breathe and walk on this earth.  I shall always remain at your side watching and waiting for you.”  I managed to cry out several times, “What do you want from me?”  He uttered in a loud voice, “I want you!  I want you!”  He kept saying that over and over.  As he was speaking these words, I could feel the intensity and power of the Rhythm building and growing inside of me.  As the sound of his booming voice and the Rhythm reached a crescendo, it was as if I had become encapsulated in a shroud of darkening light.  It was hazy like a fog.  As the shroud of darkness peaked, I withered and collapsed to my knees clutching on to the fence.  At this point, he moved closer to me and began speaking to me again.  For some reason my eyes were transfixed on him and I was unable to stop looking at his face.  Again, he spoke to me saying, “You will always belong to me boy, always, always.  I will be watching and waiting for you.  I will be here for you boy!  When the time comes, you will be with me!  When the time comes, you will come with me.  You belong to me boy!  You belong to me!”  He kept repeating those few phrases, sometimes pausing and laughing wickedly and pointing at me saying, “Your mine boy, you will always be mine.”

This seemed to go on for some time, but I am not quite sure how long until eventually I found myself alone, laying on the ground trembling and crying in fear.  He had now vanished but my body; my insides were still rocking and pounding, moving to the pulsation of the Rhythm.  It seemed to fill every part of my body.  My head felt in a fog and it was some time before it cleared.  After some time had passed, the Rhythm gradually subsided and the darkness lifted.  I recall lying there, for I don’t know how long, just trembling and crying.  I was terrified. 

I am and was sure that what I saw and heard on that day was real!  Since that time, I have been plagued with this evil apparition.  Sometimes when the Rhythm begins, I can hear his voice speaking to me, repeating those few phases over and over.  Some other things that he has said to me over the years are, “Yes boy I am still here (evil laughter).  I haven’t forgotten about you.  I am still here waiting for you.  The time will come soon.  (Laughter), Just wait, you will be mine, all mine.  You didn’t really think I was gone did you?  You will never be rid of me!”

At times, it will only be the sensations of the rhythm that is there, engulfing me.  The intensity of the rhythm comes in varying degrees.  However, at other times he is very visible to me, taunting me with his evil laughter, and repeating those phrases.  I have tried to run away from him at times to no avail.  Sometimes, he awakes me and I find myself in an intense state of the Rhythm, and there he is, standing at the foot of my bed, or maybe somewhere else in my room, sometimes laughing and pointing at me.

For the last three to four years He has began to say some additional things relating to my downfall and eventual demise.  “The time is coming closer.  It is going to happen very soon.  I am waiting for you here; where you will soon be with me.  The waiting is almost over.  Your time draws nearer.” 

The last time he came to me was approximately two weeks ago.  The rhythm was there as it usually is now and after about a half an hour had elapsed and the rhythm had gotten very intense I decided to go to my room to try to lie down.  When I walked into my room, he was there, standing just inside the door of my bedroom.  And so it began again. 

I don’t know if this is real or imagined or maybe a hallucination.  I am lost as to what I should do or how to deal with this anymore.  It just seems to be so real to me.  I want this Rhythm feeling and the voices to go away.  I know that this is part of the reason that I am feeling suicidal.  I just want these things to end but I don’t know how to stop it. 

{{©   October 29, 2009 AD, J. D. B. Hamilton}}

AKA POETMAN

Dear Yahweh in whose name I pray.  I am at the mercy of your loving hands.  You are my strength and salvation when I am weak.  I pray that you will give me strength to endure whatever is set before me.  Whether it be pleasant or insufferable and I may not always understand why things are as foreboding as they are at times.  I know that Yahweh does understand.  I ask Yahweh to give me the understanding that I so desire although in reality there may never be answer.  I pray that Yahweh will give me strength and guide me through my many afflictions associated with my mental illness.  I am very grateful for the doctors and health care workers that are helping me to deal my mental illness.  As I go through my life I continue to seek an understanding of what my life is to be God.  It is said that Yahweh has a plan for all of us.  This means that parts Yahweh’s plans for me were to be married twice and live in another relationship for seven and a-half years and that I would father four children. Why?  Then near the end of my last relationship I should end up hospitalized and in treatment for mental illness.  Why?  Was this the path that Yahweh intended for me?  I believe in Yahweh, therefore I have to answer yes to this question and that this is the path that Yahweh has intended for me.  I may be completely baffled by the path of my life.  I pray that Yahweh shall shed some light on this path and if I am never enlightened then I must accept this, as the way Yahweh wishes it to be. Thank you for giving me this day lord.  I prey that you will watch over my children and grandchildren.  Give my children strength to go through these troubling times in their lives.  My Son has just returned his children to their mother after having them for the summer and so he is having a difficult time.  He is also trying to quit smoking. My Daughter was sexually assaulted and raped a couple of weeks ago and his having an extremely difficult time right now.  Yahweh I prey that you would give my children courage and strength at this time of need.  Yahweh forgive my sins and have mercy on my soul.  Amen 

John (PoetMan)

John’s #100- Untitled 

And the days go on with you at the helm,

Living as you do being head of the realm,

Talking in monotones, as you like to do,

There is no agreement between me and you,

A daily conflict that shall always somehow exist,

For there is little or no understanding in our midst,

There is no desire from you to relent your influence,

I am bound to listen to you spew all your decadence,

In defiance of anything I say you are so indifferent,

There is just no compromise you are so benevolent,

What is it that must I do to somehow drive you away,

To try to stop every thing from being cloudy and gray,

One way or another I want to make a viable armistice,

But you need to set aside all of your perceived prejudice,

It seems there is to be no uncomplicated compromise,

How can we agree if all that you can do is to polarize?

And you don’t really know who or what I am now,

You have your own agenda that you harvest and sow,

Only yesterday, I felt that you were nearer than ever,

You are looking to see which one of us is more clever,

Who is it that can drive the other from the throne?

It has been so long living in the complete unknown,

It has been I who was been your agreeable mentor,

Your unpleasant ways have always been at the center,

I no longer understand the direction that you are going,

Whatever it is, I know that you have been long growing,

I have been so naïve to all of the advances that I felt,

I should have given more attention to what you dealt,

I shall have to live now to satisfy all of your desires,

Whatever they are, I cannot put out all of your fires,

I shall give in to you, as my mind can no longer fight,

You have won the battle and will now take your flight. 

††© Written by J.D.B.Hamilton {June-2007}††

My continuing saga to find some kind of reprieve from this delusion and/or hallucination continues. My mediation regiment has somewhat changed over the last two weeks in an effort to see if something can be achieved to reduce the intensity of my delusion and/or hallucination.
My psychiatrist has but me on 50 mg of Seroquel 3 times a day, plus 15 mg of Zyprexa (olanzapine) at bedtime as well as Remeron 45 mg in the morning and Valproic Acid 500 mg twice a day. The main difference in the medication is the Seroquel and Zyprexa changes. The Seroquel has been reduced while the Zyprexa has been increased.
First, I believe that the intensity of my “Rhythm” has somewhat diminished since the increase in the Zyprexa (olanzapine). I cannot be 100% sure of this as the delusion or hallucination seems to cycle up and down at times and the intensity fluctuates too. This has been the normal course of events over the many months that the Rhythm” has been present.
Secondly, I have noticed that over the course of the previous weeks since I was put on Zyprexa (olanzapine) that I have been very emotional and have been crying a lot. I don’t know but this may just be a temporary side effect of the new medications. I just know that I have been very tearful at times for no apparent reason.
Thirdly, I have now noticed that I fell more rested as I seem to be sleeping longer, about 8 – 9 hours a night which is definitely an improvement for me. Also, I am only waking three or four times a night instead of the fifteen to twenty times a night I was waking before the medication change. I must admit that I do feel more rested now than previously. I still have these horrific nightmares but I am managing to sleep through most of them. The doctor was concerned that I wasn’t getting sufficient sleep in the past. Sleep is a very crucial part of getting better for anyone actually.
Fourthly, I have not noticed any significant difference in the shaking that I feel inside of me. I always feel like I am trembling although there is nothing visibly noticeable that is unless I get exceptionally distressed about something or other.
As an example I had some very disturbing news from my daughter a week or so ago when she confided in me that she had been sexually assaulted and raped by a co-worker after being out drinking. She went to the hospital and had a complete rape kit done. They took all kinds of tests and swabs and pictures of the bruises to her neck (from strangling) back, ankle, and chest. I was glad of the fact that the hospital immediately got her to see a therapist to help her deal with this ordeal, which has touched her so deeply. As of this day, she has yet to go to the police to report this rape. I have talked to my own therapists about what happened to her and they have advised me that I shouldn’t put to much pressure on her at this time to go to the police. They indicated that she needs some time to work through and understand what has happened too her. There were obvious signs that someone had their hands on her throat choking her. When she first told me, I was completely devastated and all I could do for about three days after was to cry every time I thought about her or when I would look at one of her and my sons many pictures that adorn my apartment. I wish there were more I could do for her but I give her all of my love and all of the moral support that I can offer and the doctors say these are the most important things that I can do for her right now. Just be that loving Dad that I am to her as the doctors suggested. Somehow, I know this is right, but it just doesn’t seem like its enough.
Rape is such a violation of the human spirit as I know all to well myself. It is one of the reasons that I am so screwed up and something that I have been dealing with in my own therapy. I was violated my self at the age of 12 or 13 and kept my secret for the better part of 40 years and never told anyone until about five years ago. I still live with the nightmares about that incident in my life. To this day I still get triggered by a certain smell from the time I was raped. I can still the picture the face of that person who violated me. Sometimes over the years, I have wondered if this monster has ever violated anyone else. Other times, I wonder if by me not coming forward to report the rape, that my inaction (not reporting) may have caused grief and anguish to some other innocent victim. I think part of me will always feel this way. I pray this is not the case. I remember living in fear for a long time after the rape, thinking that my attacker would hunt me down to silence me.
I also thought that my family would be in danger if I went to the police. That monster still haunts my dreams to this day.
Sometimes when I am driving along somewhere, usually in the country, in the summer time, I will get the hint of an odour and ultimately this will trigger all of the emotions that I felt on that summer day when I was raped. Just writing about these things triggers thoughts and feelings and sensations that are as vivid and horrific as the day it happened some forty odd years ago.
I can see that monsters slightly rounded and reddish toned face. I can recall that big red convertible with the white interior. For about ten years after the rape, I could remember most of the license plate number of the vehicle as it haunted my dreams. Even today when I dream of this I can see a license plate however I cannot make out the number.

This despicable act that was a violation of my soul
That devoured my innocence and virginity forever
That would forever plague me with thoughts and fears
That would forever enter into my dreams and nightmares
That would be forever attached to my consciousness
The smell of weeds and hay that mixed in my nostrils
That would trigger fear and anguish and anger and hate
The horrible smell and stench of sweat that arose from me

And my saga goes on………………to be continued

The intensity of the “Rhythm” has been very high, and sometimes I feel like I am in a nightmare (Dazed and Confused) as my body goes with the monotonous beat of the “Rhythm”.  All of my surroundings become engulfed in the beat of the “Rhythm” and I sense that I am being transformed into another dimension.  My body becomes heavier with the increased intensity of the “Rhythm”.  I feel as if I am at the edge of being completely taken over.  Someone is there inside of me that now controls me daily; controlling and conducting the “Rhythm” like a symphony’s distinguished maestro.  He wants to get out now, to control the rest of me, and to engross every cell of my being.  I feel that I have no control over whatever it is.  I cannot prevent it from happening, nothing that I do seems to rid me of it. 

The last four days have been a living nightmare with having to miss 80% of my medications; first, because of a financial reason and second there was no medication available from a drug store anywhere in the city for some strange reason.  The next available time would be after September 6^th.  At times, I almost went to the hospital but decided against it.  I did a lot of talking to myself and meditation and self-hypnosis trying to keep myself calmed down.  However, I felt that I have been slowly slipping away to another dimension as I have struggled to fend off my delusions / hallucination. 

The last four days have also been very crazy.  I have felt like I was burning up and I cannot seem to get cooled down for long.  It feels like my skin is crawling over every part of me.  It is as if something inside of me is trying to claw its way out of me; ripping at my skin from the inside.  I cannot make it go away, I cannot pray it away, I cannot wish it away, and I cannot medicate it away.   

Is this how I must now live, in fear and dread for what I feel and what lurks in the future seems even more dreadful.  I try not to think too much about the future in this state of mental daze and confusion for when I do it just seems extremely horrifying for some reason.  What fear is that seems so terrifying; to live in this hallucination / delusion all of the time.  I wonder if I can take the adjustment.  I am petrified to find out or no the future.  What thing has been with me since the age of seven that I have fought with for the last forty-six years to be rid of?  It has always appeared randomly throughout this time, just to remind of the presence of something evil and overwhelming and great and all-powerful.  Someone (Person) has always been there beside me, ever present in my midst all of this time.  It seems to be more and more controlling over every part of me yet there is nothing I can do to stop the onslaught from it.  I feel weak from the bombardment I face on a daily basis.  I struggle to keep from going completely mad from having to live in this manner. 

I don’t understand who or what it is that I have become now. Since I first started to become depressed last year I noticed that I started to feel very different. In the spring of 2006 I starting to sense something was changing in me.  I began to get the “Rhythm” (JHRS) feelings that I describe if my other writings (see right side). At first my delusion / hallucination was happening only periodically.  Then, the hallucination was only a couple of times a week and would only last for a few minutes to an hour maximum. This too was unusual because in the past the hallucination and feelings would only surface maybe five or six times a year at most. There were some years where here were no hallucinations .  Also, in the past I never had hallucinations that lasted for an hour, usually the hallucination would last half an hour at the most, and that was rare. Therefore, what I was experiencing was very extraordinary for me. After four or five weeks, the hallucination / delusion started to surface almost every day and was lasting for longer periods of one-half to three hours. I was becoming more and more frightened by this time. After about ten weeks I was having the hallucination / delusion on a daily basis and it seemed to come and go (be present) throughout the day. I would wake up in the morning with it every day. By the end of the third month (approximately), the hallucination / delusion was with me all of the time. It seemed to have taken over my life completely. There was never a day that it wasn’t with me anymore. My depression was definitely getting worse and I felt that I had lost all control of myself completely.
Sometime around the third month of the hallucinations / delusions I looked in the mirror one day and thought “Who to hell is that man? I don’t know you!” Today I feel much the same in that respect, for when I look into the looking glass I don’t see the person I once was. I don’t know whose reflection I am looking at but I have no recognition of that man (me)! Somehow, I got lost in there.  So where did I go? I do not know! I am still in search of that answer. I know that I am not the person I thought I was sixteen to eighteen months ago. ……………….to be continued……….

John (PoetMan)

A Radical Departure

I am lonely here without you by my side.  I can admit it to myself but I can never tell you.  That would be such a tragedy I think; to give you some false sense of hope for us when it can never be again.  It pains me just to think about it and sometimes when I see you, I just wish I could take you in my arms to hold on forever.  In the same breath, I know this could never work for us.  There are so many things that we could never get over all the obstacles.  As much as I love you, I am unable to live with all of these mental illnesses between us; there numbers are just too great.  It’s like we each have something that clashes with the others personality and end up at one and others throats; my personality disorder fights your personality disorder and then some other part comes into the mix and then its an all out battle.  I am not blaming one more than the other; it is just the way it is between us.  If it is not the personality disorders its something else that is in the way that would feed the fighting between us.  Love should not be this way.  I am getting help and I so wish that you could be pushing more to get help for yourself.  I love you very much and that has not diminished at all, as time has passed over these months.  I thought as time passed that my feelings and other things would be far easier to deal with however, this has not been the case.  Many days I have cried for you in silent desolation.  There is no one to hear my voice or see my tears.  There is no one that I can tell who would understand my feeling this way after all that has happened.  Well maybe the doctors but that is not the same.  You have no idea of just how much I truly love you.  It saddens me every day that goes by.  I have an aching in my heart that just will not leave me.  I know I was the one who ended this relationship and for that, I plead guilty, guilty as charged.  I realized that us being together was destroying both of us and the pain was getting worse everyday that passed by.  I just could not let it go on that way any longer, something would eventually happen to one of us and maybe the next time things would have been disastrous.  I just cannot take that kind of a chance.  I must continue to keep this false front going with some people in my family.  I miss so much about you I do not know where exactly to begin.  I miss you.  I love you.  I wish you were here.  I miss holding you.  I miss you holding me.  I miss your smile.  I miss your sparkling eyes.  I miss your walk.  I miss your being and the closeness that we shared.  I never meant to cause you so much sorrow or so much pain.  I truthfully didn’t mean to cause you so many tears.  The sad part is that no matter these feelings I have to live my life a completely different way and this life can not be as a couple with you or anyone for that matter so this is the way it must be now.   

You were not the only one who was ill.  I was ill and still am for that matter and maybe this is just part of what I must go through to get better, however, this is very emotionally exhausting on me.  I know that you have suffered in your own ways and I don’t mean to diminish those feelings whatsoever.  Moreover, while I yearn for a loving relationship, I know that people with multiple disorders and borderline personality disorder typically find that their anger, impulsivity, stormy attachments, and frequent mood swings push others away.  When I look back in the past I have always sort of pushed people away from me.  I have done it with my own family and friends.  Well as for friends, I really don’t have all these so-called friends.  I have been a loner since childhood and that never changed much throughout my life.  How can I ever get better?  I don’t know, but I have been doing everything in my power to make that happen.  I have seen numerous psychologists and psychiatrists every week since I left the hospital.  I have also seen neurologists to rule other diseases suchlike epilepsy.  I had previously wondered about epilepsy, as there is a family history of it.  I had wondered if my hallucination/delusion was maybe some kind of seizure and that I have been having seizures off and on all this time.  I have been picked and probed from every side of me, inside and out and this continues as I write this.  There is no physical evidence yet as to why I have the symptoms of hallucinations or delusions or whatever it is and no doctor has been able to put a finger on this particular part of my disease.  The doctor has said that yes I do present some schizophrenic tendencies.  Other parts of my illness have been given diagnostic labels by doctors; depression, posttraumatic stress disorder (PTSD), suffer continual panic anxiety/panic attacks (disorder), and have similar characteristics as Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) and schizophrenia.  One particular psychiatrist said that I had (BPD).  I have tried and continue to read books and research to see if there are other things that I can do to get better.  From what I see and have been told by my physicians, there isn’t a whole lot more that I can be doing that I’m not already doing.  I have been obsessed with going to appointments for various forms of therapy including psycho therapy, Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR), Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) group therapy, hypnosis therapy and some other methods.  It is taking far longer for me to heal than I ever expected and in reality, I will probably never recover 100%.  I say that meaning that I realize that I have been sick with these illnesses for quite some time, long (years) before I went in the hospital last year.  Just too many things that have happened in my life have been a contributing factor to my mental illnesses and the state I find myself in today.  The doctors tell me that I will probably never really completely heal.  Yes, I can get help and learn to cope to some degree however; some of the mental illnesses like personality disorders seem to get worse with age and do not greatly improve.  I was told that I will likely need to be in therapy of some description for quite some time to come, possibly years but I will do it if I need to.  I am not sure how much I can believe this diagnosis but if this turns out to be the case, I will have to be accepting of this prognosis.  In reality, I have no other choice.  
 I am quite sure that all my problems began at an early age and have carried through my whole life.  It has not been a year yet since my treatment first started and when I reflect back, I’m not sure a large improvement has yet been made.  There have been good improvements to my suicidal feelings although these have been up and down at times.  I have noticed improvements with my anxiety/panic attacks in that they are not as severe.  In addition, I have noticed some improvement with migraine headaches; they seem less severe and not as frequent and do not last as long.  I do find that I am being well cared for at this time and hope to continue this manner.  I will have to start paying for some of the therapy soon and I will not be able to afford it.  Sometimes, I think the surface has been barely scratched.  It seems that all that has been done for the last few months is that the doctors seem to be putting out one fire after the other with me.  I do not blame it on them; it is just the nature of my illness and the way in which certain events have happened.  I still feel very depressed most of the time and still fight suicidal tendencies on many days.  I should say I have had some improvement with these suicidal tendencies over the last year except that I still feel it is just too prevalent in my mind at times.  I hope that these feelings will diminish over time and when it does flood my mind, I try to remember all the good that I have in my life such as my children and grandchildren and family.