John’s Syndrome–(PoetMan)

Dear Yahweh in whose name I pray.  I am at the mercy of your loving hands.  You are my strength and salvation when I am weak.  I pray that you will give me strength to endure whatever is set before me.  Whether it be pleasant or insufferable and I may not always understand why things are as foreboding as they are at times.  I know that Yahweh does understand.  I ask Yahweh to give me the understanding that I so desire although in reality there may never be answer.  I pray that Yahweh will give me strength and guide me through my many afflictions associated with my mental illness.  I am very grateful for the doctors and health care workers that are helping me to deal my mental illness.  As I go through my life I continue to seek an understanding of what my life is to be God.  It is said that Yahweh has a plan for all of us.  This means that parts Yahweh’s plans for me were to be married twice and live in another relationship for seven and a-half years and that I would father four children. Why?  Then near the end of my last relationship I should end up hospitalized and in treatment for mental illness.  Why?  Was this the path that Yahweh intended for me?  I believe in Yahweh, therefore I have to answer yes to this question and that this is the path that Yahweh has intended for me.  I may be completely baffled by the path of my life.  I pray that Yahweh shall shed some light on this path and if I am never enlightened then I must accept this, as the way Yahweh wishes it to be. Thank you for giving me this day lord.  I prey that you will watch over my children and grandchildren.  Give my children strength to go through these troubling times in their lives.  My Son has just returned his children to their mother after having them for the summer and so he is having a difficult time.  He is also trying to quit smoking. My Daughter was sexually assaulted and raped a couple of weeks ago and his having an extremely difficult time right now.  Yahweh I prey that you would give my children courage and strength at this time of need.  Yahweh forgive my sins and have mercy on my soul.  Amen 

John (PoetMan)

John’s #100- Untitled 

And the days go on with you at the helm,

Living as you do being head of the realm,

Talking in monotones, as you like to do,

There is no agreement between me and you,

A daily conflict that shall always somehow exist,

For there is little or no understanding in our midst,

There is no desire from you to relent your influence,

I am bound to listen to you spew all your decadence,

In defiance of anything I say you are so indifferent,

There is just no compromise you are so benevolent,

What is it that must I do to somehow drive you away,

To try to stop every thing from being cloudy and gray,

One way or another I want to make a viable armistice,

But you need to set aside all of your perceived prejudice,

It seems there is to be no uncomplicated compromise,

How can we agree if all that you can do is to polarize?

And you don’t really know who or what I am now,

You have your own agenda that you harvest and sow,

Only yesterday, I felt that you were nearer than ever,

You are looking to see which one of us is more clever,

Who is it that can drive the other from the throne?

It has been so long living in the complete unknown,

It has been I who was been your agreeable mentor,

Your unpleasant ways have always been at the center,

I no longer understand the direction that you are going,

Whatever it is, I know that you have been long growing,

I have been so naïve to all of the advances that I felt,

I should have given more attention to what you dealt,

I shall have to live now to satisfy all of your desires,

Whatever they are, I cannot put out all of your fires,

I shall give in to you, as my mind can no longer fight,

You have won the battle and will now take your flight. 

††© Written by J.D.B.Hamilton {June-2007}††

My continuing saga to find some kind of reprieve from this delusion and/or hallucination continues. My mediation regiment has somewhat changed over the last two weeks in an effort to see if something can be achieved to reduce the intensity of my delusion and/or hallucination.
My psychiatrist has but me on 50 mg of Seroquel 3 times a day, plus 15 mg of Zyprexa (olanzapine) at bedtime as well as Remeron 45 mg in the morning and Valproic Acid 500 mg twice a day. The main difference in the medication is the Seroquel and Zyprexa changes. The Seroquel has been reduced while the Zyprexa has been increased.
First, I believe that the intensity of my “Rhythm” has somewhat diminished since the increase in the Zyprexa (olanzapine). I cannot be 100% sure of this as the delusion or hallucination seems to cycle up and down at times and the intensity fluctuates too. This has been the normal course of events over the many months that the Rhythm” has been present.
Secondly, I have noticed that over the course of the previous weeks since I was put on Zyprexa (olanzapine) that I have been very emotional and have been crying a lot. I don’t know but this may just be a temporary side effect of the new medications. I just know that I have been very tearful at times for no apparent reason.
Thirdly, I have now noticed that I fell more rested as I seem to be sleeping longer, about 8 – 9 hours a night which is definitely an improvement for me. Also, I am only waking three or four times a night instead of the fifteen to twenty times a night I was waking before the medication change. I must admit that I do feel more rested now than previously. I still have these horrific nightmares but I am managing to sleep through most of them. The doctor was concerned that I wasn’t getting sufficient sleep in the past. Sleep is a very crucial part of getting better for anyone actually.
Fourthly, I have not noticed any significant difference in the shaking that I feel inside of me. I always feel like I am trembling although there is nothing visibly noticeable that is unless I get exceptionally distressed about something or other.
As an example I had some very disturbing news from my daughter a week or so ago when she confided in me that she had been sexually assaulted and raped by a co-worker after being out drinking. She went to the hospital and had a complete rape kit done. They took all kinds of tests and swabs and pictures of the bruises to her neck (from strangling) back, ankle, and chest. I was glad of the fact that the hospital immediately got her to see a therapist to help her deal with this ordeal, which has touched her so deeply. As of this day, she has yet to go to the police to report this rape. I have talked to my own therapists about what happened to her and they have advised me that I shouldn’t put to much pressure on her at this time to go to the police. They indicated that she needs some time to work through and understand what has happened too her. There were obvious signs that someone had their hands on her throat choking her. When she first told me, I was completely devastated and all I could do for about three days after was to cry every time I thought about her or when I would look at one of her and my sons many pictures that adorn my apartment. I wish there were more I could do for her but I give her all of my love and all of the moral support that I can offer and the doctors say these are the most important things that I can do for her right now. Just be that loving Dad that I am to her as the doctors suggested. Somehow, I know this is right, but it just doesn’t seem like its enough.
Rape is such a violation of the human spirit as I know all to well myself. It is one of the reasons that I am so screwed up and something that I have been dealing with in my own therapy. I was violated my self at the age of 12 or 13 and kept my secret for the better part of 40 years and never told anyone until about five years ago. I still live with the nightmares about that incident in my life. To this day I still get triggered by a certain smell from the time I was raped. I can still the picture the face of that person who violated me. Sometimes over the years, I have wondered if this monster has ever violated anyone else. Other times, I wonder if by me not coming forward to report the rape, that my inaction (not reporting) may have caused grief and anguish to some other innocent victim. I think part of me will always feel this way. I pray this is not the case. I remember living in fear for a long time after the rape, thinking that my attacker would hunt me down to silence me.
I also thought that my family would be in danger if I went to the police. That monster still haunts my dreams to this day.
Sometimes when I am driving along somewhere, usually in the country, in the summer time, I will get the hint of an odour and ultimately this will trigger all of the emotions that I felt on that summer day when I was raped. Just writing about these things triggers thoughts and feelings and sensations that are as vivid and horrific as the day it happened some forty odd years ago.
I can see that monsters slightly rounded and reddish toned face. I can recall that big red convertible with the white interior. For about ten years after the rape, I could remember most of the license plate number of the vehicle as it haunted my dreams. Even today when I dream of this I can see a license plate however I cannot make out the number.

This despicable act that was a violation of my soul
That devoured my innocence and virginity forever
That would forever plague me with thoughts and fears
That would forever enter into my dreams and nightmares
That would be forever attached to my consciousness
The smell of weeds and hay that mixed in my nostrils
That would trigger fear and anguish and anger and hate
The horrible smell and stench of sweat that arose from me

And my saga goes on………………to be continued

The intensity of the “Rhythm” has been very high, and sometimes I feel like I am in a nightmare (Dazed and Confused) as my body goes with the monotonous beat of the “Rhythm”.  All of my surroundings become engulfed in the beat of the “Rhythm” and I sense that I am being transformed into another dimension.  My body becomes heavier with the increased intensity of the “Rhythm”.  I feel as if I am at the edge of being completely taken over.  Someone is there inside of me that now controls me daily; controlling and conducting the “Rhythm” like a symphony’s distinguished maestro.  He wants to get out now, to control the rest of me, and to engross every cell of my being.  I feel that I have no control over whatever it is.  I cannot prevent it from happening, nothing that I do seems to rid me of it. 

The last four days have been a living nightmare with having to miss 80% of my medications; first, because of a financial reason and second there was no medication available from a drug store anywhere in the city for some strange reason.  The next available time would be after September 6^th.  At times, I almost went to the hospital but decided against it.  I did a lot of talking to myself and meditation and self-hypnosis trying to keep myself calmed down.  However, I felt that I have been slowly slipping away to another dimension as I have struggled to fend off my delusions / hallucination. 

The last four days have also been very crazy.  I have felt like I was burning up and I cannot seem to get cooled down for long.  It feels like my skin is crawling over every part of me.  It is as if something inside of me is trying to claw its way out of me; ripping at my skin from the inside.  I cannot make it go away, I cannot pray it away, I cannot wish it away, and I cannot medicate it away.   

Is this how I must now live, in fear and dread for what I feel and what lurks in the future seems even more dreadful.  I try not to think too much about the future in this state of mental daze and confusion for when I do it just seems extremely horrifying for some reason.  What fear is that seems so terrifying; to live in this hallucination / delusion all of the time.  I wonder if I can take the adjustment.  I am petrified to find out or no the future.  What thing has been with me since the age of seven that I have fought with for the last forty-six years to be rid of?  It has always appeared randomly throughout this time, just to remind of the presence of something evil and overwhelming and great and all-powerful.  Someone (Person) has always been there beside me, ever present in my midst all of this time.  It seems to be more and more controlling over every part of me yet there is nothing I can do to stop the onslaught from it.  I feel weak from the bombardment I face on a daily basis.  I struggle to keep from going completely mad from having to live in this manner. 

I don’t understand who or what it is that I have become now. Since I first started to become depressed last year I noticed that I started to feel very different. In the spring of 2006 I starting to sense something was changing in me.  I began to get the “Rhythm” (JHRS) feelings that I describe if my other writings (see right side). At first my delusion / hallucination was happening only periodically.  Then, the hallucination was only a couple of times a week and would only last for a few minutes to an hour maximum. This too was unusual because in the past the hallucination and feelings would only surface maybe five or six times a year at most. There were some years where here were no hallucinations .  Also, in the past I never had hallucinations that lasted for an hour, usually the hallucination would last half an hour at the most, and that was rare. Therefore, what I was experiencing was very extraordinary for me. After four or five weeks, the hallucination / delusion started to surface almost every day and was lasting for longer periods of one-half to three hours. I was becoming more and more frightened by this time. After about ten weeks I was having the hallucination / delusion on a daily basis and it seemed to come and go (be present) throughout the day. I would wake up in the morning with it every day. By the end of the third month (approximately), the hallucination / delusion was with me all of the time. It seemed to have taken over my life completely. There was never a day that it wasn’t with me anymore. My depression was definitely getting worse and I felt that I had lost all control of myself completely.
Sometime around the third month of the hallucinations / delusions I looked in the mirror one day and thought “Who to hell is that man? I don’t know you!” Today I feel much the same in that respect, for when I look into the looking glass I don’t see the person I once was. I don’t know whose reflection I am looking at but I have no recognition of that man (me)! Somehow, I got lost in there.  So where did I go? I do not know! I am still in search of that answer. I know that I am not the person I thought I was sixteen to eighteen months ago. ……………….to be continued……….

John (PoetMan)

A Radical Departure

I am lonely here without you by my side.  I can admit it to myself but I can never tell you.  That would be such a tragedy I think; to give you some false sense of hope for us when it can never be again.  It pains me just to think about it and sometimes when I see you, I just wish I could take you in my arms to hold on forever.  In the same breath, I know this could never work for us.  There are so many things that we could never get over all the obstacles.  As much as I love you, I am unable to live with all of these mental illnesses between us; there numbers are just too great.  It’s like we each have something that clashes with the others personality and end up at one and others throats; my personality disorder fights your personality disorder and then some other part comes into the mix and then its an all out battle.  I am not blaming one more than the other; it is just the way it is between us.  If it is not the personality disorders its something else that is in the way that would feed the fighting between us.  Love should not be this way.  I am getting help and I so wish that you could be pushing more to get help for yourself.  I love you very much and that has not diminished at all, as time has passed over these months.  I thought as time passed that my feelings and other things would be far easier to deal with however, this has not been the case.  Many days I have cried for you in silent desolation.  There is no one to hear my voice or see my tears.  There is no one that I can tell who would understand my feeling this way after all that has happened.  Well maybe the doctors but that is not the same.  You have no idea of just how much I truly love you.  It saddens me every day that goes by.  I have an aching in my heart that just will not leave me.  I know I was the one who ended this relationship and for that, I plead guilty, guilty as charged.  I realized that us being together was destroying both of us and the pain was getting worse everyday that passed by.  I just could not let it go on that way any longer, something would eventually happen to one of us and maybe the next time things would have been disastrous.  I just cannot take that kind of a chance.  I must continue to keep this false front going with some people in my family.  I miss so much about you I do not know where exactly to begin.  I miss you.  I love you.  I wish you were here.  I miss holding you.  I miss you holding me.  I miss your smile.  I miss your sparkling eyes.  I miss your walk.  I miss your being and the closeness that we shared.  I never meant to cause you so much sorrow or so much pain.  I truthfully didn’t mean to cause you so many tears.  The sad part is that no matter these feelings I have to live my life a completely different way and this life can not be as a couple with you or anyone for that matter so this is the way it must be now.   

You were not the only one who was ill.  I was ill and still am for that matter and maybe this is just part of what I must go through to get better, however, this is very emotionally exhausting on me.  I know that you have suffered in your own ways and I don’t mean to diminish those feelings whatsoever.  Moreover, while I yearn for a loving relationship, I know that people with multiple disorders and borderline personality disorder typically find that their anger, impulsivity, stormy attachments, and frequent mood swings push others away.  When I look back in the past I have always sort of pushed people away from me.  I have done it with my own family and friends.  Well as for friends, I really don’t have all these so-called friends.  I have been a loner since childhood and that never changed much throughout my life.  How can I ever get better?  I don’t know, but I have been doing everything in my power to make that happen.  I have seen numerous psychologists and psychiatrists every week since I left the hospital.  I have also seen neurologists to rule other diseases suchlike epilepsy.  I had previously wondered about epilepsy, as there is a family history of it.  I had wondered if my hallucination/delusion was maybe some kind of seizure and that I have been having seizures off and on all this time.  I have been picked and probed from every side of me, inside and out and this continues as I write this.  There is no physical evidence yet as to why I have the symptoms of hallucinations or delusions or whatever it is and no doctor has been able to put a finger on this particular part of my disease.  The doctor has said that yes I do present some schizophrenic tendencies.  Other parts of my illness have been given diagnostic labels by doctors; depression, posttraumatic stress disorder (PTSD), suffer continual panic anxiety/panic attacks (disorder), and have similar characteristics as Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) and schizophrenia.  One particular psychiatrist said that I had (BPD).  I have tried and continue to read books and research to see if there are other things that I can do to get better.  From what I see and have been told by my physicians, there isn’t a whole lot more that I can be doing that I’m not already doing.  I have been obsessed with going to appointments for various forms of therapy including psycho therapy, Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR), Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) group therapy, hypnosis therapy and some other methods.  It is taking far longer for me to heal than I ever expected and in reality, I will probably never recover 100%.  I say that meaning that I realize that I have been sick with these illnesses for quite some time, long (years) before I went in the hospital last year.  Just too many things that have happened in my life have been a contributing factor to my mental illnesses and the state I find myself in today.  The doctors tell me that I will probably never really completely heal.  Yes, I can get help and learn to cope to some degree however; some of the mental illnesses like personality disorders seem to get worse with age and do not greatly improve.  I was told that I will likely need to be in therapy of some description for quite some time to come, possibly years but I will do it if I need to.  I am not sure how much I can believe this diagnosis but if this turns out to be the case, I will have to be accepting of this prognosis.  In reality, I have no other choice.  
 I am quite sure that all my problems began at an early age and have carried through my whole life.  It has not been a year yet since my treatment first started and when I reflect back, I’m not sure a large improvement has yet been made.  There have been good improvements to my suicidal feelings although these have been up and down at times.  I have noticed improvements with my anxiety/panic attacks in that they are not as severe.  In addition, I have noticed some improvement with migraine headaches; they seem less severe and not as frequent and do not last as long.  I do find that I am being well cared for at this time and hope to continue this manner.  I will have to start paying for some of the therapy soon and I will not be able to afford it.  Sometimes, I think the surface has been barely scratched.  It seems that all that has been done for the last few months is that the doctors seem to be putting out one fire after the other with me.  I do not blame it on them; it is just the nature of my illness and the way in which certain events have happened.  I still feel very depressed most of the time and still fight suicidal tendencies on many days.  I should say I have had some improvement with these suicidal tendencies over the last year except that I still feel it is just too prevalent in my mind at times.  I hope that these feelings will diminish over time and when it does flood my mind, I try to remember all the good that I have in my life such as my children and grandchildren and family.   

 I want sleep!  I am still struggling on a nightly basis to get proper sleep.  First, I was put on the drug Imovane (Zopiclone) however, this medication causes sleep walking with some people.  I had a couple of serious incidents where I got up in the middle of the night and cooked meals and woke to find all the lights on in the house and dirty dishes in the sink with absolutely no recollection of doing this.  The doctor quickly took me off the Imovane.  Next, I was put on 200mg of Seroquel (Quetiapine) at bedtime for two weeks to see if this would help me sleep however, this did not work either.  The psychiatrist was very surprised that I was not able to sleep much with this large of a dose.  She said it should have knocked me out (sorry I tricked you).  Now I am taking 100mg of Seroquel (Quetiapine) and 5mg of Zyprexa (Olanzapine) at bedtime to see if this will help.  I have been on these two drugs for sleep for a week now however there has been little change in my sleep.  I still wake up somewhere between 10-20 times a night.  I am going to see the psychiatrist tomorrow and see what she is going to propose now although last week she indicated that if I were not sleeping better that she would increase the Zyprexa (Olanzapine) to 10mg.  The psychiatrist and the psychologist have both told me that part of my problem is that my unconscious mind is working in overdrive (overactive) while I’m sleeping thus preventing me from sleep.  This is result of my problems having to do with my PTSD, BPD, and some other mental illnesses that I have.  I have many nightmares associated with my past that intermingle in my dreams nightly.  The Seroquel has not worked although my doctors say should have been knocking me out 

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Friday July 27/05 

I saw Dr. B today and told her about how things had been for the last week.  I have been overly emotional for 4 days of the last week crying a few times each day, which is unlike me.  I wonder if this is a side effect of the introduction of the 5 mg of Zyprexa (olanzapine) for the last week.  However, I have also noticed that the intensity of my delusion/hallucination has reduced by a very small amount from about an eight to about seven and a half.  This is still to intense as I still get flare ups that are much more intense than eight are.  I think my sleeping has slightly improved over the last week.  I have not been waking as many times over the past four nights: between six and eight as compared to 10-20 over the previous weeks.  Maybe there will be some more relief with the higher dosage.  Dr. B has increased the Zyprexa to 10 mg/day and will assess me again in two weeks to possibly increase it some more.  I told her about my experience form the hypnosis last week with Dr. J.  I had recalled maybe just a split second where I was passing one of the uprights on the fence and it felt like I had just stepped into some other dimension.  It was if I was transforming into something else, I was completely taken over by the “Rhythm” feelings, my body felt as it were moving, but felt somewhat heavy.  I was completely surrounded by something evil, I could hear this frightening male voice all around me..,,, I recall hearing someone all around me say something like “you are going to always  feel this always, I shall always be here now”.  Then I could hear it echoing in my head.  It felt so foreboding, I was terrified.  I had a thought, almost a realization that I would never really fell the same as just before that slit second when I stepped past that fence post and into the “fifth dimension”.  It seemed that just before I stepped into that other dimension I had this extreme cheerfulness; everything seemed somewhat brighter and clearer as I recall.  I now think that I have always been changed since that very instance in my life and that my “fifth dimension and Rhythm feelings” have changed the whole perception of everything I would/have come to know.  When I see before that instant at the fence post, I cannot remember ever feeling that way in my life since.  It is almost if I have been living with these feelings since about the age of seven except that 99% of time I was never able to actually perceive it or be conscious that it was happening to me.  Then the remaining 1% of the time was I did have episodes of the “fifth dimension and Rhythm feelings”.  The difference now is that now I live in a constant state in “fifth dimension and Rhythm feelings” twenty-four hours a day. 

I met with Dr. J after seeing Dr. B and had another hypnosis treatment. 
I went over with him what I spoke to Dr. B about (above).  I only had a short hypnosis session today.  I was unable to concentrate to relax enough; I think its because of the events of the last few days with all the crying, a small fire in the building two days ago scarred the @!@# out of me, and still not sleeping that well.  I had a very hard time trying concentrate with my own self-hypnosis at home this week as well.

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Friday July 21/07 

Today, during my hypnosis treatment with my therapist, I as able to recall the first day when I first experienced my “Rhythm” (JHRS) phenomenon. I was about six and a half (so I said) and I remembered leaving my house and coming out of my front door. I recall looking back and seeing the door was open. It was a bluish gray morning as I walked down the block to the corner where I needed to turn left to go towards my school. As I walked towards the corner, I had passed someone smaller than I was but I can’t recall having said anything. I could smell something; the fields where I walked were to the left and right of me for the last half block to the corner.
I recalled that I was half walking and half jogging as I turned the corner left to heads towards the school. There were fields on both sides of the road for quite a distance that was all part of the military base. To the right of the sidewalk was an eight-foot high chain-link fence that enclosed some military depot buildings. As I made my along the sidewalk I began to feel something slowly changing. I slowed my pace down as I began to feel lost somewhere that I didn’t recognize. Everything began to start to feel as if it were going into the same rhythmic pattern that was slowing entering into every cell of my being; beginning on the outside of my skin and gradually sinking in deeper layer by layer. However, it was as if all of this was being generated by something from deep within me; somewhere from within me was growing stronger and replacing all of my senses with something dreadfully haunting as if to control me. I leaned against the fence paralyzed in fear and as the Rhythm Phenomenon became stronger and stronger, my body felt it had been completely shrouded by something I could neither understand nor control. I felt at a complete lost to do anything. Some thing seemed to be saying it was taking control of me, something I would always fear. I felt completely horrified! I recall thinking that from that moment in my life something had radically changed and that nothing would ever truly fell the same again. I remembered my thoughts were going into a state of confusion as I tried to figure out what happening to me. Why was I feeling this way? Why was everything beating in one rhythmic chant? Why was my skin crawling? Something changed at that very moment in my life. Something dreadful had awakened in me. It seems as if it has been in the background my whole life, surfacing periodically just to remind me of its presence and waiting for the time to return. It seems when I reflect after my hypnosis today this has been the most vivid I have been able to recall the first time I experienced the Rhythm Phenomenon. The Therapist asked me to try to recall what it had felt like just prior to everything beginning to change. As I relate back, what I remember is that the Rhythm Phenomenon seemed to gradually creep up on me as I left the corner. However, I can recall maybe just a split second where I was passing one of the uprights on the fence and it felt like I had just stepped into some other dimension. I had a thought, almost a realization that I would never really fell the same as just before that slit second. It seemed that just before I stepped into that other dimension I had this cheerfulness; everything seemed somewhat brighter and clearer as I recall.
I’m not sure what this accomplishes today except that I was able to recall in more detail the events of that day. I could remember what it felt like not to feel as I do today or at times in the past. I could recall what I believe is the first time I felt these dreadful feelings, the first time I stepped over into some other time warp or some fifth dimension. Whether this is a delusion or a hallucination, it is very real and very terrifying to me. During the last year and couple of months I’ve been living in the fifth dimension; with the constant barrage of rhythm, which makes me feel as if I am going to completely loose it some days. Some days it becomes so intense I am just at a loss as what I should do! Why am I still so terrified by these feelings? I hate living in this state all the time! I am being choked out. There is no escaping it!

To live and die without knowing myself is analogous to dieing without having lived. I seek to know, then to live and save the dieing until last. Whatever the truth is I seek it discover it, then to embrace it with help should I need it, then to live that truth not ashamed or embarrassed, then to move onward towards the twilight of my life whatever the peril, then to pass away naturally and content in my own skin.   Is this just another of my hallucinations, well if so, I say its one that I like.

Today I have an appointment with my psychiatrist Dr. B. to review my progress over the previous week to see how I am doing with my sleep, delusions, and hallucinations. Last week Dr. B. increased my dose of Seroquel to 200mg at night and 50 mg in the morning to see if this may help me. First, maybe it would help me to get some sleep and secondly to see if this would help with my delusions and/or hallucinations. Well my sleep is still as unsettling as ever. Last night was a prime example; I went to bed at 12:30 or so my usual bedtime and laid there for 20 minutes trying to think of some positive thoughts before I went to sleep. It was suggested to me that I use this approach prior to going to sleep to see if I could communicate some positive thoughts to my unconscious mind and thus maybe reduce the nightmares that plague me. I have been trying to use this technique to bring some pleasant dreams into the fold. I thought about what a wonderful time I had last weekend with my grandchildren. I was thinking about how beautiful the four of them were and how much they can make me smile at the worst of times. They are like a priceless gem in my eyes.  

All I  can seem to dream about is mayhem  and destruction encompassing all that has gone wrong in my life both past and present tenses. For instance, I have nightmares of such things as when I was raped at thirteen by a reddish haired slightly overweight monster (man), and a second attempted rape by a dark-haired beast that happened a few years later. Somehow, they both end up in my dream last night as they do many nights, too many nights actually. Last night for instance we/they were both at the scene of the first rape and were taking turns with me and then they were discussing if they should kill me or just cut out my tongue so I couldn’t talk to the police. They stood there arguing amongst themselves what they should do with me. The reddish haired one says something about well we could leave him where Mrs. K. was found. Actually, a grandmother who was murdered lived only a few doors away from me with her son and his family around the time of the rape. She was a wonderful woman who was so kind to all of us kids who lived in that area. She was found bludgeoned to death at a block factory not far from where I lived and I don’t think that case was ever solved. I remember that when I was younger, I thought maybe this monster was the one who had killed Mrs. K.  Now I have not thought about that wonderful grandmother in I don’t know how long, but she was in my dream last night, well at least in name. I cannot go a single night of sleeping without being haunted by some kind of nightmare.

I must have awoken fifteen to twenty times last night. Then there are those train whistles, blowing in the middle of the night that wake me from my sleep, which obviously is not a very sound sleep I would say. I don’t even live anywhere close to a railway crossing so the only reason for the train whistles blowing in the middle of the night is either that a person or animal is on or near the train tracks. So in the middle of the night I start having a panic attacks from train whistles.

My other reason to see Dr. B. today is to assess me about this “Rhythm” feeling that I live with on a continual basis. Last week I almost felt that someone (Dr. B.) might have some conception of what I describe and refer to as my “Rhythm”. Maybe it is a delusion and/or hallucination I have had at various times throughout my life that started at age seven. Now I have it continually; it has become the essence of my life and being. I have these thoughts that no one can truly understand what it is that I am really feeling. I have explained this in so many ways, trying to put words to it seems impossible at times and frustrating to the max. I don’t know how many different ways to try to get someone to understand it. It doesn’t seem to matter how I state it, I can’t seem to explain to anyone the sensations and haunting feelings that I have. Did I say no one understands my “Rhythm” yet? (LOL laughter is needed at times and this is one of them). I do get suicidal at times thinking that this is the only way to be completely rid of these dreadful feelings. I think sometimes “Please don’t despair; I am not alone out here for there are others like myself”. True or False! Some days are definitely harder to bear than others and I wonder how do I go on, why do I have to feel like this for another day and that goes on in a continuous pattern from one day to the next with no relief. I do feel completely isolated too; no matter what I do, it doesn’t make much of a difference or make my “Rhythm” feelings completely go away. It plagues me all of my waking existence and I find that I am in a constant battle to not loose my sanity altogether. I think I have lost enough already or maybe I need to loose a little more. I suffer delusions/hallucinations at least I am starting to think that’s what it is however it just seems so real what is happening to me and I feel like there is nothing I can do to stop it. I wonder now if I have some underlying schizophrenic tendencies and my doctor is going to do some further investigation in that regard. Whatever is wrong, I have to somehow learn to live with all of these feelings. I think that all that keeps me going is knowing that I will find some relief somewhere; somehow, sometime, but I just haven’t found all the answers yet. I have to keep fighting. I do find some calming effects I learned from the doctors like mediation, hypnosis, and prayers. It doesn’t take it away but kind of allows me to somewhat focus away from the most intense of these “Rhythm” feelings. I keep praying for answers and strength to get through whatever it is I must face. 

 John(PoetMan)

Today I sit and ponder how nothing much has changed for me in relation to my mental illness. I will not go into all the details; let us just say that I feel I am not developing or making any progress at this point. Actually, things are not making headway but deteriorating for me. Yes, my meds were changed last week, and the week before and before that, but I am still living in this state of delusion where everything beats to the same repetitive “Rhythm” as I call it. The same beat (hallucination) reverberates over and over throughout my entire being and encapsulates all that is around such that everything is a part of my “Rhythm”. I jokingly refer to it sometimes as living in the fifth dimension. I am getting close to the point of returning to the hospital again and maybe that is where I need to be again for a while. I have been extremely paranoid this last couple of weeks as my “Rhythm” has greatly intensified and therefore causing a lot of stress. Usually the intensities of the “Rhythm” have been mild to medium however; there has been a gradual change so that I now notice the intensities are higher than has been the norm for some time. I will wait to see my psychiatrist on Thursday this week and see what she thinks; that is if I can hold out for that long. I struggle daily to keep my sanity; to keep from going over the edge. I became very suicidal before and as those feelings start to creep back into my psyche, I realize I may need hospitalization once more; before I get to the point of no return. I think now I can “perceive” when I am getting to a point of no return, which maybe is a good thing. Maybe if I went back to the hospital I may have a better chance of finding some medication that will work for my illness. I know that in the hospital setting the doctors are more aggressive in changing medications as they have you there twenty-four hours a day and can monitor your reactions to the medications. In the interim, I wait in silent desolation!

Today I am adding a page about the history of my “Rhythm” feelings that have been with me the entirety of my life. See JHRS {John Hamilton’s Rhythm Syndrome}